Fitness and foolish stubborness combined for an awakening in a predawn beach walk run
Empty is not Nothing
Chapter 58
Karen Grace Parker – lives in the silent stillness to allow her to hear the human soul -
She's so many women
He can't find the one who was his friend
So he's hanging on to half her heart
He can't have the restless part
So he tells her to hasten down the wind –
Warren Zevon – Hasten Down the Wind Linda Ronstadt (Don Henley) Hasten Down the Wind
Empty is Not Nothing
The porch concert had been fantastic, Lizzie and Elly had a special mother daughter blend. Lee was good and flexible, able to adapt to many styles. Madison was floating afterwards.
“The audio will be an excellent background, and we can use the video as an intro to the report. Karen, you will read your report as a narration as photos and sketches appear in a slide show.”
“OK Madison I will go write the report.”
In spite of the looming disaster this morning when Madison revealed we were fixing dinner. Carol, Ruth, and Lizzie had brought about a magic moment. Now I needed to write a report with some graphs or charts or something to break up the boredom had been Madison’s advice. I sat at the desk in the office and opened the book, Carol had given me last night. A listing of the ancestry tree started by Eldon, followed by a few entries of events. Carol had added the current family members. There was my name Karen Grace Parker added to a page near the front of the diary. Eldon’s diary was an once year account of the year in a few lines. It was followed by many writings of Carol. Carol had started her own summaries. They mostly recorded the business of the year like Eldon’s had, but having left enough room on blank pages for several years of notes. Carol had written stories, vignettes of the people. All family in the extended sense stories of Ruth and JB, Lizzie, Eldon and Grace, even a story about Sam her dog. I decided to open the big box. It had weathered newspaper clippings mostly of obituaries of family, some stories of World War Two, an article about Tom returning to Franklin after coming home from Europe. Other clippings of the family that Grace must have saved. I also found two books, the illustrated books of Stephen Capuano. I looked at a woman on the cover with a basket of peaches. It could be me. I flipped through the books, photos of Lizzie when she looked more like Elly, photos of the early days of Parkers Produce and Fruit. Ruth with JB and a toddler. I could feel the changes passing through me. What had been a simple and small garden and orchard was now a regional business. Peter Navarro had given me a detailed report of the current operation. He said I may as well have a copy. He sent one to my father every year, but he didn’t believe he ever actually looked at them. I had all I needed to write a nice report. A graph to show one woman in 1975 to a business in 2020 employing over one hundred people. It was time to get it done. I had to be ready for a return to school tomorrow. After a couple of hours, I was done. I then started losing myself in memories; lifetimes contained in the diary and artifacts in the box. A moment living in one lifetime, became many lifetimes. I paused, enough for now. I would visit these worlds many times. After dinner today I should never eat again, but if there was one of those biscuits left. Fortunately, for me there was a biscuit in the kitchen. I put some jam on it, a fantastic treat. I was drinking a glass of water and saw Carol sitting on the porch with a glass of wine. I found a glass and the wine bottle. I poured a glass and went out to sit with Carol.
“I got a text from Madison. She is going out for pizza with Lee and his parents. Sunday night pizza is a tradition in Lee’s family.”
“Meeting the parents usually a big step.”
“Madison and Lee thought it would be a good thing, prove she’s not just a groupie. Also, the fact that there is a Parker connection made them more open to her.”
“People here grasp to find a connection to their own world. A stranger is less strange if there is some common link. I suppose being part of the Parker family was my best asset other than an excellent farm to grow things.”
“I do want to come here after school is out, I suspect Madison is coming too. Are you sure it is alright with you? We will interrupt your listening to the noisy silence watching the sun and stars.”
“With Shiloh and Brent gone, Ruth, Lizzie, or their families are not here very often. I miss it. Young people need to come remind old folks what they were, once in a while.”
“Good I started looking through the diary and the box, I finished my report, but I feel there are several lifetimes to learn from here. I want to be your helper. I will work where you need me to, no one in the diary was a privileged princess like I have been. I think they were all happier and understood life better than I do. I have much to learn.”
“Learning is simply being open to experience. Willing to change as you find new things revealed. Your approach is the key, you’re doing fine. Cut yourself some slack.”
“Do you play your guitar when you sit on the porch?”
“Not often too much variance in temperature and humidity I prefer my office in the house. If I want to sit here and listen to music now, I have my iPod and Apple music. I am really just a family member on Shiloh’s account. It is amazing just search for a song and there it is.”
“No one out here listening to you play and sing, rather disappointing.”
“The only one who ever did that was Sam, my coon hound. He would come lie down when I played. I don’t know if he liked it or thought I was being attacked.”
“Sam was a coon hound. Did he hunt racoons?”
“The neighbors gave me a pup when I first came. He was a loyal companion sniffed everything, but never hunted or paid much attention to anyone or any animal. Once he identified them, he didn’t much care.”
“You’ve written many stories of people and yourself. Stories connected to the farm and your life. Are you sure you want me to read them?”
“I want you to. There is some hesitation; we hope to keep our foibles secret. When you write it must be authentic, or it will not matter. It is living in a house without drapes. I wrote for myself suspecting someday there would be a yet unknown reader. I wrote about my experiences and researched the people of the past to identify my purpose. I was searching for my place, my obligation to the world. Karen Grace is now at the same place in her life. I trust you. “
“A good feeling, trust”
“I need to share myself with someone. Someone who cares but has some distance some autonomy. My story is tied to this land on which we sit. I tried to keep it healthy in a world filled with sickness. “
“We ought to find a way to create more of these healthy oases where life can grow.”
“I was fortunate to have accomplished one. I had partners willing to risk working for nothing to share in uncertain profits. It may be you will, but I am now content. The business is stress for others. I am just around to keep it focused on making better lives. “
“Your goal for Parker’s Produce is other people’s lives?”
“My personal goals are family, spirituality, and to be at peace. Pete Navarro is right I have all financial needs met. Making money is no longer my goal. Making healthy lives is the goal.”
“You have Spiritual goals?”
“Just as I don’t ignore science; I don’t ignore what makes us human. I believe in imagination and the ability to be open to the unknown. I know I walk in a spiritual realm. There are no ghosts here, but there are deep spirits. I want to walk in Spiritual union with them. I want to be open to possibility not closed off."
“I will come and try to learn and experience the spirit of the land. You sure about no ghosts?”
“My ghosts are in my head, Ghosts that are screaming with memories of failure and self-shame. I have worked to corral them safely in the pasture of the past. “
“Your life seems successful. I suppose I should be open to a spiritual world.”
“Your life will be better if you do. You may well do more to heal the world than I have ever accomplished. I am thankful I found healing for myself. You do have a lovely voice hearing you with Lizzie and Elly was a special moment. I think Madison may have it right, Lee might be the world’s best guitar player. I am going in and get ready for bed, it has been a long weekend for an old woman used to being alone.”
“I will sit. I may take a walk to watch the stars. I have learned my eyes will adjust. I guess it is not dangerous here.”
“Do not frighten a skunk if you encounter one. Everything wants to avoid you, let them slide away. Walk softly, stand quietly, be still. When I had Sam, he loved to walk at night. He sniffed and tracked. A small yip once he had found a track. He always found me. I wonder who has a redbone hound, puppies are challenging but he was a wonderful companion. I am once again living on a lonely farm; a good dog might be OK. The stars are never boring.”
“Good night Carol.”
I walked softly, stood quietly, and was still. More sounds, stars, shadows came into my awareness. I almost missed the deer trying to out still me near the garden, it slowly moved on. Now this was my assignment to learn the life here, the lives that had been here. The land held more than I could yet imagine. Time would blend, lives would blend, I would never be alone here. What was once empty now seemed richer than any other place. Whether searching the old mirror or on the porch watching the heavens rise and set. I knew, Karen Grace now had a sense of bearing in the world. A foundation on which to fight to heal the world. How to bring the soul of the land back into the hearts of humanity lost in a modern world? I found myself down by the old market sitting where Madison had begun her first sketch. The night was clear and cool the stars dazzled. A purple hoodie a good camouflage on a moonless night. A car came down the road a rare but sometimes occurrence. The lights were glaring I had to look away, after a while my vision returned. Awareness dawned I was the one perceiving the world around me; I was not blinded by the lights. I sank back into the solitude. My soul and mind stretching to the stars. I had opened the first layer of a puzzle box. Sitting here on the original Parker homestead. I began to burrow into that realization. Here someone came with a family and decided to build a life. It was one hundred and eighty years before my being here now appreciating the stars. The same stars, the same land, but not unchanged, nothing is ever permanently fixed not even the stars. Someone who had contributed a small portion of my own DNA had made a commitment that yet carried through. A racoon ambled near; I could see much detail even in what many would call darkness. It paused when it became aware of me. Stood up folding its paws as it pondered me. I stayed still; the coon moved on back to its destination. I sensed not alone, not empty, but fullness. A welcome to a real world, a warm embrace reaching around and through me. Another self who also shared aspirations and awe. I felt a hug of togetherness just a sense. An odd sensation but a comforting one. It was time to head back. It was still a six-hour drive back to school tomorrow. Madison would be sleeping on way back. Maybe Lee was watching stars with her in Walnut Ridge. I could record a narration tomorrow night. Madison was good at assembling media into movies. It would be a good report. Madison was correct this was a big part of the grade. Madison was wrong about one thing; our professor was correct freeing the mind was the first step towards liberation for anyone. Who would have thought being here in the middle of nowhere with the spirits of the land would be the liberation moment?
Epilogue
One being living in this experience across many times. I will always be here. I have now found my purpose it radiates from here in this land.
There are places in cities where no one wants to be anymore. Sometimes it means there is land to be restored to health. Dedicated families can begin to return it to abundance. Our network of interconnected markets and suppliers can aid in making it a profitable business. There are places in rural areas where a variation of Parker's Produce and Fruit can prosper. We are disrupting corporate agriculture similar to micro-breweries and mega-beer. We are bringing personal connection to common people. Our communities are practical food suppliers, not some elite costly approach. We try to allow our green centers to flourish reversing the sick cancers of the modern world. It requires work as hard as anyone ever did on this farm, but people want to work for better lives. Respect each person allow them to find practical paths.
I can create opportunities to allow people to do good things. Improve other people's lives. People do want to help as much as they need help. I try to make their efforts count. Karen Grace Parker will always be here, even when in some other place. Null Stillness was the most intimate and crushingly honest book I have ever read. I am not afraid of a special connection, but I am not in haste. My life has infinite moments yet. I can live in some of my moments, I will have my love of a lifetime.
I am glad Carol found you Sarge. You are a great companion on these night meditations, you have the floppiest and softest ears of any dog I ever met. You are named for a very good mentor. Life at the eternal core is unchanging. Each age adapting to bring love into the soul a love as infinite as the stars in the sky.
Total Eclipse at Land Between the Lakes
