Scars Remain

Chapter 42

Villages Midwest

1976 Summer tries to hang on – Carol and JB

You and I travel to the beat of a diff'rent drum

Oh, can't you tell by the way I run

Yes, and I ain't sayin' you ain't pretty

All I'm sayin's I'm not ready for any person

Place or thing to try and pull the reins in on me –

Michael Nesmith – The Beat of a Different Drummer The Stone Poneys Evergreen

Scars Remain

“Lucky for this late Indian Summer or we couldn’t possibly be up here for a swim. I enjoy laying here watching clouds after.”

“Yes, JB it does feel good. I’m not going to think about how unusual it is.”

It felt so good, but summer was ending. In fact, this was an unusual Fall where summer had lingered. Weather patterns casting a defense against the coming winter blasts. JB had said we were lucky for a late occurrence of Indian Summer. Is that a racist phrase? Carol had a curiosity for the etymology of the strange phrases people used. Sometimes usage had become so common the racist underpinning was long past being recognized by the speaker. It was just something people said. The Tribune had long run a cartoon Injun Summer. It was so endearing. It had become an expected mark of the passage of time. It wasn’t really Fall until the cartoon was printed. It now was challenged as insensitive. Was the whole use of the term Indian Summer racist? Carol couldn’t help but wonder. The last fleeting moment one not guaranteed, one possibly not even hoped for. A moment simply to luxuriate in while you were in it.

“JB yes it always ends or becomes, a moment never stays the same.”

“You’ve gone all dreamy and far off again haven’t you.”

“Dreams are the first step before something becomes real. We should not put down dreams, but we can’t live in them.”

“Honestly I do not like dreams. I like it best when I pass out and then wake up.”

“I have healed a few wounds on our swims. I did feel a hippie chick maybe owed you. Isn’t that what you said when you were over bleeding and dying; the draft dodgers were banging those free love hippie chicks?”

“Maybe when we cleaned up the language.”

“Do you feel more healed now?”

“Working here, seeing where I was headed, talking things out with you, and our swims I’ve healed. My Dad said scars remind us of our mistakes, healed but not gone. I will keep a few scars.”

“We’ve had a summer we both needed. I needed and enjoyed these Sunday afternoon swims especially the after sessions. You are likely headed to husband material, but not with me. I don’t love you as a wife would a husband. I don’t feel a bond like Eldon and Grace must have had. The lust part has been exceptional, but I don’t think we want to see each other at the kitchen table every morning for a lifetime. How do feel?”

“Right now, I feel real good. I’ve never had a gir…woman make me feel as good as you have. I know we’re are not alike. At the high school reunion when Cathy took you over to the bookworm crowd you instantly fit in that’s not my crowd.”

“You’ve learned to make this woman feel as good as she’s ever felt. Odd how during the Bi-centennial Summer two people have together both lost old hurts. A reset summer, a renewal summer, we’ve had a very good summer on the farm. Late Sunday afternoons will always spark a different memory now, a good one.”

“Sunday afternoons still happen in winter”

“It is time to wrap up a good memory and move on. The farm is looking up, your life seems more fun, it is best not to unravel it. Now that people begin to decide you’re not a time bomb; you can find a more normal relationship. One that involves going to movies, hanging at parties with gearheads, picnics, going to demo derbies and tractor pulls at county fairs. Stuff I hear some of the kids who work here talk about. Stuff I do not want to do, maybe a picnic here at the pond. Did you go to a movie this year?”

"No, I wouldn’t by myself.”

“I wouldn’t either. If you had a girlfriend to take what would you have wanted to see?”

“Rocky and Clint Eastwood had another Dirty Harry movie and a western Josey Wales.”

“My choices would have been A Star is Born, All the Presidents Men, and Taxi Driver.”

“Now that people are not afraid you are about to beat someone to a pulp; you will find a girlfriend who would love to do all the things you enjoy. You are a rather good-looking guy when I see you all sober and cleaned up. Don’t let that go to your head.”

“I’ve found a tall skinny gal can be fun, if she stops talking about politics and philosophy. Don’t let that go to your head.”

“I think we could have one last round of therapy sessions. I bet I could motivate you.”

“You can motivate me. Who knows maybe next summer you will want to start therapy sessions again? “

“Oh, JB we will always have Paris.”

“What?”

“Forget it – we have more urgent matters, right here.”





photo Michael Nassaney